My self harm is outta control the last few days. And when people ask what’s up? And how are you? I reply: “Nothing, I’m Fine!” My lying skills are improving as a result. *sigh
Day 23 is A letter to someone, anyone! I am taking this title literally, Writing to no one I know, just to that someone, anyone who reads and listens. Dear Someone/Anyone, Have you ever felt so alone in the middle of a crowd?, That you were screaming and yet only silence was heard?, That even with your best efforts you come up short? I have, I am there now. Even when my rational mind knows that people love and care for me, I am embarrassed to admit that I feel so isolated and alone. Everyone in my life is trying so hard to be there for me and yet, as my core belief whispers to me daily..."It's never enough..." I feel like I don't deserve those who care for me and love me so. I also secretly, quietly, at night alone, hope that they would just disappear and then I could just end it all, knowing that no one will be affected from my exit from this planet I've called home for 33 years. This world, this life is way out of balance for me these days. More bad, evil, ugly, then good. My childhood was not one to make a scrap book of memories over. I sooner forget it. Not such an easy task. My past has it's hands around my neck and more times then not I can't breath. Simply opening up my mouth doesn't offer air to my screaming lungs. Rather I breath through my skin in the form of red tears. Each scar left when settled tells a story of torment, abuse, evil, and hate. Love is no where to be found in these times. Escaping from my mind happens when the white powder is forced up my nose or the intake of anything that detaches me from my body. A temporary fix that leaves me with the same horror I try to escape when I return and with nothing less then added self hatred. Another form of escape comes from an uncontrolled place when I sit in a frozen position. I travel to other times, places, and memories, through alters/dissociating. "We are one body, many souls." My name is Valynn, I suffer with addiction (145 days clean today.) I am tormented with an addiction to self harming. (I cut mostly.) I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse/rape. (As a result I live with DID ~Dissociative Identity Disorder.) If you or someone you know is suffering please know, you are not alone. I am the living proof that although we suffer many times alone, in silence, we truly are not by ourselves. Many, so many, can relate. That is why I feel it is so important to share your story, through words, song, art, pictures. Whatever outlet helps you breath in a positive way. So we can be heard not necessarily by others who don't understand but rather by those who do. So we can draw upon each others strengths to continue to survive. We were victims, we are survivors but together and only truly together can we become thrivers. The people we were meant to be. Our pain and suffering doesn't have to end in vein. We can use it, to become powerhouses to those who have not yet found their voice. I love you all, not because I know you, because I am you. Many have walked the same path. Let us join hands and hearts and help each other feel the love we all deserve as human beings first and foremost. Keep yourselves safe tonight and hold onto my hand knowing in this very moment of darkness, YOU ARE NO LONGER ALONE! In Love and Light, Valynn ~Safe Hugs~   Home from hospital. Spent 3 days in the ER at the psyc. hospital and after they came to the fact that they dont know what to do to help me, they sent me home o.O WTF!! Really, really?? Okay, guess so… So I guess my part = spending the next few hours doing whatever it takes to stay safe and cope in a positive way.
Which means, no cutting, harming in anyway, negative thoughts, acting out..etc…Hmmm, and why’d I go to hospital in the first place…ohh that’s right I have no control of these right now… *sigh  Sorry To The Littles (Alters),
I hurt you again tonight and I am sorry, even though I know that doesn’t help. I don’t mean to hurt you. I just can’t breath, handle what happened to me. I can’t get the monsters off the body, out of the body, off the skin, out of the heart. I’m sorry you hurt too and that I am cause to that a lot these days. I feel so ashamed. ~Tearfully Regretful, Sarah  1) How old were you when you started self harming? 9 Years Old 2) How often do you self harm? I use to do it daily when I was younger, now it seems like I do it in binges. Like hardcore for 3-5 days, take a break and then back at it again. 3) What method of self harm do you use? Cutting mostly. 4) Do you think that you need professional help? I am getting it now and have been for awhile. 5) Are you trying to stop self harming? Yes, I am just scared that even if I want to, need to, that it is not enough and that I fear I am not ready. 6) Does anyone know about your self harm? Yes, my family all does, my friends all do, my therapist of course. However I started at age nine, as said above and it was almost 12 years before someone found out. 7) How many years have you been self harming? Whoa, until I did the math I had no idea. Self Harm = 24 years. 8) If you self harm, were you abused or neglected (either as a child or later in life)? Yes sexually abused for many years. 9) Would you label yourself as emo? Nope, not ever close. P.S. For all you uneducated people Emo doesn’t not = Cutter/Self Harmer and it goes the other way, Cutter/Self Harmer doen not= Emo. This addiction shows no race, creed, religion, lack of religon. It can and does affect anyone. 10) Do others label you as emo? AHA HA HA!! Not that I am aware of and if they do, it sounds like a personal problem they need help with, for being judgemental. And they say I have all the problems. Whatev! lol 11) Why did you start? To distract from the fact that my uncle was molesting me/raping me. Giving me something other then the abuse to think and feel about. 12) Where do you self harm? Wrists, arms, thighs. 13) What do you use to self harm yourself? Blades…and in my opinon this is one of the not so important questions around this addiction, Im just sayin’. 14) Do you think you can stop? Honestly, I am afraid to say it but no. I just think I will have times and periods in my life where I don’t do it and other times when I will keep falling back on it. But I am hopeful one day will be the last time. 15) Do you want to? Yes, when I am rational, and no when I am insane. To those of you who are hurting out there, remember there is hope, there is help: http://www.selfinjury.com/  Hope That:
The deeper the pain doesn’t = Deeper the cuts Hurting tonight! =(  Today I have so much to do as far as housework goes and I am sitting here wondering how much am I really going to get done. One of the worse things you can do is sit in your s**t and I'm finding myself doing just that.
Even with the abuse in my life there were days I remember doing simple childhood things, like jump rope with the girls, playing Red Rover, Being in dance class, acting the lead in the play, fighting over who gets what crush in our favorite bands or tv shows. I miss these times, more so beacase these moments were so far and inbetween. I feel like many survivors that I was robbed out of the chance to have more happy times like these. As a child I endured abuse and as an adult I carry it still inside me. Some of the alters I am extra grateful for because they allow me to still have a chance to play. I miss the idea of what a happy childhood can bring. I don't remember a huge part of my childhood and it saddens me. When you are 2, 4, 6, 9, 12, people tend to want to hold you when you are hurt and bring a sense of comfort to your life in that moment. As an adult the cute factor seems to be diminished and most peope just respond by saying, "yeah it sounds like you are having a bad day, tomorrow is a new day and will be better." Okay, my question, where is the proof in that?" It's a new day this morning, not unlike yesterday's new start and yet it still hurts. I have been having body flashbacks http://www.soul-expressions-abuse-recovery.com/body-memories.html lately and they are awful. I can still feel "him" on me, in me, my skin feels so dirty. I can't push "him" off because he is not really there. The feelings though would seem to prove otherwise. This results a lot in self harm. Sometimes it can get so bad that I havethoughts of endng my life as the only way to get him out of me. Like he lives within me and the only way to rid of him is to kill us all. My rational mind knows this is not a healthy option but uless you go through it, do you ever tell me you understand. It is like having to live it over and over, somedays it feels like it never stopped. So today I am going through some of this and I am going to make an effort right now, when I am done here to distract myself by doing some of the things on my to do list. Hoping and praying for these feelings to pass. In love and light, A Beautiful Handful The sun is out and it’s getting hotter these days. Getting to hot for long sleeves. Now what??! ~Hmmm, maybe my thighs……….CAN’T BREATH TONIGHT, don’t wanna hurt but I feel like I can’t hold on any longer…*sigh ~Sarah  PRAYING instead....NOT GONNA DO IT, I am stronger than that! ~Valynn
 God,
Please give me hope that I don’t have to feel the need to do this anymore. Help me to see that I am worth more then I have let myself become. Help remind me that my body is my temple in which my spirit/soul lives. Even if it is filled with many souls. Help me to feel pretty, even if it is just for a day. I am beautiful in your eyes but help me to be beautiful in my own. Amen XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO | Beautiful HandfulThis blog is a personal expression of what I have been through, go through and hope for as victim to survivor to thriver.  ArchivesNovember 2012 CategoriesAll |
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